Mop-Up RAW 04.30.01
By Hyatte
Mop-Up Raw
1) Is this what you want to do? Recap old comic books? I'm not saying there's much better to do with life, but there's got to be something else, doesn't there? I mean, you're funny, you're angry, and you're motivated at times. Don't you think there's something better you can do in your life with these skills then recap an old comic book for a wrestling website?! I mean, two of the most pointless things in the world, albeit enjoyable, and you've got them both covered. Apply for a job writing with the WWF or get your own radio show, but this is just pathetic. Good luck.
Jesus Contye Jesus3212@hotmail.com
JESUS!?! Never been flamed by JESUS before!! Doesn't he have better things to do? Wait, that's what he's asking ME. The answer, by the way, is obviously "no". And "no", I am not too proud of this either.
2) You would need a polevault to get over yourself. How about getting yourself a life. Does posting a column make you feel important? Does it make up for your unimportance in real life. Go out and lose your virginity. This post is more truthful that you wish. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha. Next.
Joan Harkness Dha@attcanada.ca
Now I HAVE been flamed by PLENTY of girls before.
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Sean Shannon: sean@seanshannon.org
Okay.... which one of you bastards sent my name to him? WHICH ONE OF YOU PRICKS IS JERKING MY CHAIN???
Sigh.... you kids.
I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. I suppose you knew that already. Back from a brief little rest, nowhere near refreshed, still as stale as the ribbon candy in your Grandmother's parlor, you know me, you love me, you can happily live without me but it's still nice to hang out with me once in a while. The beat goes on.
Some opening notes.... just a couple.... a smattering of bits for ya' to enjoy. I'll try to move things along quickly.
Big 411 site news is that Ashish, the Stone9Cold news guy who pretty much owns the site is out with an intestinal sickness. So, I.... that's right.... ME will take over and do his news column. Oh, and it'll be a SEVEN DAY A WEEK job, yeah.... Mr. Always-Shows-Up is committing himself to pounding out a daily news brief. How do I plan on squeezing in a monthly week off? Haven't figured that one out yet.
What my plan is to do a STRAIGHT news recap.... basically scouring the other sites for interesting bits and packing them into one, single recap for you people who just like to check out ALL the news in one, fast, condensed package then go on with your day. It's sort of like What Al did back at Scoops. Only I will CREDIT my sources and provide links. The best way I figured to do this will be by checking out the news of the day, picking out the more interesting, important ones, and posting them at Midnight. This way you have all day to hit everything, then come to me for a recap with some opinionated comments tossed in. Sort of like Leno's monologue. It also gives you an overview of the news in the A.M., if you check this stuff out at work and stuff. I never did news before and this practically fell in my lap, so I need some time to think about how I want to make it cooler. I already have an idea for the end of the week stuff and a secret person agreed to send me all the Torch newsletters.... so I'll save you from buying it and just go over what they do. It'll piss off Keller a little. HA!
Bottom line, if you can't stand the Mop-Up, but secretly admire AAT.... it's like neither. It's mellow, fast, but with just enough "bite" so as to not bore you to tears.
This week's And Another Thing is a look at why people HATE Vince Russo and why he deserves it, but also why people HATE him for the wrong reasons. I used text from his chat conducted on his org site. It's more solid stuff from the finest writer on the Internet. No, not Scott Keith (who seems to think EVERYONE is talking about him.... but I'll get to that in a sec), but ME! Future AAT's will include a two column look into the Internet scene (don't groan, it's not what you think), TONS of stuff for the old schoolers, Gimmicks, Nash, Flair, and more. Plus, I am getting ready to start thinking of the third and final Installment of "The Road" Trilogy. Throw in a plethora of vactions and I'm covered until at least mid-Autumn
There is also a comic book Mop-Up freshly posted. Go find it. I didn't get a chance to get the link.
This week's closer is called "Things to do that will make you cooler". I sort of stole the idea from Maxim.... stole it and bastardized it, which is why I try not to even READ Maxim, but Eliza Dushku is on the cover, and I get so hard for her.... I couldn't resist. Plus, I had ZERO ideas for a closer this week, so it was desperation time.
Now, check out the FLAWLESS seques I make in these next four topics.... I'm damn proud of them.
First, thanks to CRZ for the "info".... as usual with the specific subject matter, t'is a far cry between truth and "convenient interpretation". Cheerfully, I'll remind everyone about his the Slash site. Filled with HORR.... filled with links, opines, and old recaps. Oh, and he is not a "Jew" (with a name like Zimmerman?), so the "Pooh Jew" tag, which cracked me up to no end, doesn't really apply. This is why I like the guy, he never gets offended and takes EVERYTHING I say with good humor. He has yet to ever complain about anything I ever say (with the minor exception of a slight annoyance whenever I get on Scaia too hard).
Speaking of CRZ.... he had a minor beef with Scott Keith about.... well, I'm too busy with MY beefs to keep up with anyone else’s. What I will say is that I just figured that the guy at WWF.com was referring to the Torch, who had the exact same thing to say about HHH. Plus they are certainly higher up on the food chain of notoriety (note: Since I honestly read Keith about as much as he reads me, I will admit to possibly being wrong with my assumption here. I further state that there may be a backstory that I am not aware of. He might very well be dead on balls accurate.). I also would ask the question, if Keith is "the hero of millions", then why isn't his book a best seller? (Tongue-in cheek? Is he known for his sense of humor?). Why am I on him for no real reason? Just my attempt to "create another Sean Shannon" because I am addicted to fame and reaching for past glory and a total mark for my own character and am as lame as Eminem and.... err.... everything else. (ironically, I didn't even have to create another Sean.... the dippy fool went ahead and did it FOR ME. The only difference is, Sean put up a better fight)
SPEAKING OF SK.... on his site, the Smarks (who NEVER thanked me for the plug last column, by the way), it was announced that my "Edge" partner, Greg Dillard, is in SERIOUS contention to get on Survivor 3. Apparently, we're talking he's going to meet Mark Burnett. Yeah.... that's huge. I am quite pissed that he never told ME this.... being his partner and all. But, while I hold back my jealous rage, I have to admit that more than likely, the Edge is dead. If he makes it on the show, he'll be much too busy, both during and after the show, to care about a dumb Internet radio thing with an idiot as his partner. I only fail when I have to depend on others (exception.... the kids here at 411). I NEVER fail when I'm on my own.
SPEAKING OF Survivor, I LOVE it how everyone who SWEAR to know all the spoilers consistently get everything WRONG!!! (reminds me of my days with Al Isaacs). Elizabeth was the GUARENTEED WINNER BY MANY ACCOUNTS!! So, she gets dumped. Screw the guessing.... screw the hypothetical assumptions.... I'M ROOTING FOR KEITH!!!! KEITHKEITHKEITH!!!
Keith the Survivor guy.... not Scott Keith.
IfColbywinsthelastimmunitychallengeit'soverandhewinsifhedoesn'the'sout.
SPEAKING OF Entertainment.... anyone else completely and totally happy that Tom Green's movie BOMBED??? Oh MAN.... I was so ELATED! The guy needed a slap in the head, too much, too soon. Plus, he wasn't all that funny to begin with. Inventive as Hell, but not very FUNNY. Now, when with those two cumstains who made "BASEketball" go away?
That's it... totally done. Se how nice I slipped into all four topics? The blend.... the wordsmanship.... the craft of writing.... oh dear.... oh God.... do me fangirl
Don't forget about the fabulous A1wrestling site. Good people there.
Oh, and I THINK I MAY (well, a bud of mine) have stumbled upon Wrestleline's actual daily numbers.... and if they are what I think they are, you WILL be shocked. If not, then I'll whole heartedly admit to jumping to a wrong conclusion.
So, as I slowly take over 411 a bit at the time, (41Hyatte1.com, anyone?) let me get all literal on you and shed the skin of opening congress. Allow me to don the dress of pithy commentator and surge forward into the good night of Monday's activities. With the soul of a warrior, the lithe agility of a Ballerina, and the venomous bile of a serpent's hiss I shall dance the endless dance of the ages and turn yon focus upon the unsuspecting target. Monday Night Raw! CRY HAVOC!!!! AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF HOMOPHOBIA!!!!
RAW is WAR (or: Did the writers start striking a few days early?)
-opens with the closing moments of Miami Vice. Don Johnson takes a child under his wing.... no doubt after blasting the poor kid's Father to death in a cocaine shoot-out under the sounds of Motley Crue's Home Sweet Home. For a brief moment, Sonny learns something about fatherhood.... for a brief moment, Sonny learns something about himself.
-WWF is one world. No way in Hell Matrats will pose a threat. No matter HOW much enthusiasm Bischoff feigns.
-opening theme. FILLED with new images. All but three images of Rocky are taken out.
-We are welcomed to Milwaukee, Wisconsin.... which, from what I hear, is still hiding their heads in shame over the night Mancow came out on PPV and announced that he is fighting Jimmy Hart "For the people of Milwaukee!" You fools SHOULD hang your heads! HANG THEM!!!!
-Somewhere, the Big Ragu is sobbing.
-The Big Ragu.... the only man in the WORLD who can sing and do gymnastics in the middle of a street fight with Fonzie against some "buckos"
-Jim Ross declares that Steve Austin and Triple H are now the tag team champs as well as the world champ AND the IC champ. People call them the new NWO.... NONSENSE!!! They are the Four Horsemen - 2. OR, Gino Hernandez and Chris Adams. OR Rick Rude and Jesse Barr. OR
-Ross screams that the "Balance of power has changed, to the EXTREME!" If that ain't a cue for Paul Heyman to come in, I don't know what is!
-Heyman came in. I can spot a solid lead-in from a mile away
-we are told of tonight's festivities.... Chyna with a real life chick title defense. Stone Cold gets to defend his belt against Kane.
-Kurt Angle steps out.... because when in need of a twenty minute promo, you just don't go to Dean Malenko!
-Heyman blew the entire point of Angle's spot before Angle even hit the damn RING!!! He gave away that Benoit won their 30 minute submission match (a veritable CLINIC, BY GOD!! FLAIR AND STEAMBOAT USE TO HAVE THESE THINGS IN TWICE THE TIME AND PEOPLE WERE CREAMING THEIR FRUIT OF THE LOOMS!!!!!!!!) after the "official" match ended.
-Angle's wearing a new shirt that blares, "I'LL MAKE YOU TAP OUT". Yeah, I can see some loser wearing that bad boy to gym class.... some bully will wedgie his underwear clean off, jam them down his throat and scream, "TAP THIS, PIMPLE FACE!!!!"
-Angle grabs the mic and says that he actually has to hand it to Chris Benoit. (hand what? his penis? Homo!)
-ahem.... well, let's just file THAT one in the "Just Get It Out Of The Way" drawer
-Angle says that Chris Benoit showed the WORLD, that without a SHADOW OF A DOUBT, that he IS, the BIGGEST CHEATER IN THE WORLD. (Being a Canadian kinda/sorta sealed that deal a LOOOONG time ago.... plus banging a married woman kinda/sorta helped)
-The fans got together and chanted "ANGLE SUCKS". Angle reacted by saying "You all know me! When I lose, I accepted it and take it like a man!" (HAW!!! He cracks me up!)
-Angle told us that Benoit actually won the match last night in Sudden Death OVERTIME (Friggin' Heyman.... Lawler would have NEVER messed up like that).
-TWO back to back, next to each other signs. One reads, "The Olympic Whiner!" The other reads, "The Olympic Idiot!" I wish these losers will MAKE UP THEIR MINDS!!!
-and to prove that Benoit blows.... Angle has FOOTAGE!!!! We see that Benoit tapped out AFTER the bell had rung, but BEFORE the Ref announced that this was Sudden Death. Angle said that Benoit was "squealing like a pig!" (Canadian Bacon, no doubt.... people with an iota of Intelligence (i.e. Americans) call it by it's proper name.... "HAM". Looney, misguided, lost souls consigned to Hell (i.e. Muslims) call it VILE, DISGUSTING, CAN NEVER ENTER THEM, SWINE!
-Come on people.... get real with this "Allah" nonsense.... go with Christianity! We're the ONLY ones who'll get to Heaven, and half of us don't bother going to Church! The other half sleep right through it.
-The Bible? HAH!! Most of us just use it to store our pot. (Mom would NEVER DREAM of looking for it in there!)
-send all death threats to luke@theshooters.net . Don't tell him why. Since he's always making it a point to tell me that he never reads the recaps, he'll be totally confused.
-The deal is that Benoit DID tap out first during Sudden death, because the "IOC" ("Idiots On Crack"?) rules state the SD begins IMMEDIATELY after the bell rings! INSTANTAEOUSLY (I KNOW there are one too many vowels in there)
-Angle reminded us that he is an Olympic Gold medalist.... and also an "Immortal" (Bye Bye Hogan's last WWF nickname). It also makes him the BEST DAMN ATHLETE IN THE WORLD!!!
-Out comes Chris Benoit. He reaches for Angle's mic. Angle pulls it away and says that Benoit may think that he's all that.... but he doesn't have "these". He holds his Olympic Medals.
-Angle continued by saying that neither Benoit, nor anyone in the back, nor anyone in the building, nor anyone watching at home, will EVER know what it's like to stand on that podium.... have these medals placed around your neck....to have your national anthem playing for YOU! So, Benoit MAY have STOLEN the match away last night!!!! (Somewhere in Florida, Kevin Sullivan coughed out a lungfull of cigarette smoke and barked, "NOT TO MENTION MY WIFE!!!!! YOU SONAFABITCH!!!! DIEDIEDIEDIE!!!!!!")
-But Benoit still won... NADA!!!
-It should be noted that during all this, Benoit was busy contorting his eyebrows to sell SILENT reactions! He must have sat in on a couple of Stephanie's Acting classes.
-Benoit finally got the mic and said, "You know Kurt Angle!!" Angle quickly quipped, "Of course I do!!! I see him in the mirror every day, moron!!!"
-Benoit got to business.... he aid that Angle WAS the very best in the world! But after last night.... after the greatest 30 minute submission match EVER IN HISTORY!!! (True... it took my Dad 24 minutes to wrestle my Mother into submission and knock her up with the lame seed that created me! He used Nitrous Oxide), he ultimately LOST the match to him... and there is NOBODY who will EVER, EVER change that. Benoit finished, "It's true, It's true".
-Angle speared him. He went for the Olympic Slam. Benoit back rolled out of it. Benoit took him down, considered trying for the Ankle Lock, instead slid in and went for the Crossface, Angle rolled forward and up. Benoit with the Austrian Suplex (oh, like there's a DIFFERENCE! Two lame European countries), he hit it again. He moves Angle towards the ropes. Went for it again. Angle upended over the top rope, banged the side of his head and neck on the apron before hitting the floor. Angle was motionless.
-Benoit smiled that evil grin of his (I call it the "I just banged your daughter in a place that was never intended to be an entrance" smirk) and left... WITH THE OLYMPIC MEDALS!!! Naturally, the easiest line EVER is, "Well, that's the closest a Canadian will EVER get Olympic Gold!" Which may even be inaccurate.... who pays attention to the Olympics anyway?
-By the way.... that was maybe the BEST DAMN TWO MINUTES OF WRESTLING ACTION EVER ON THIS SHOW!!!!!
-commercials
-during the break, Angle woke up and realized that his medals were gone. You know, they COULD use this as a cheap excuse to get some more great Trish Stratus cleavage shots, if they had half a mind.
-back to LIVE, Angle was storming around the back screaming, "SYMPHONY!!!! SYMPHONY!!!" A chuckling WWF writer grabbed him and muttered, "ugh Kurt, we also own all of WCW's old scripts, and someone's seriously F-ing with your head!" Kurt said, "Oh... aw nuts".... then started screaming, "BENOIT!!!" (and God Bless YOU if you recognize THAT minor league, only-on-for-a-minute, Nitro reference)
-Angle runs into Michael Cole and Tazz. He asks Tazz if he's seen Benoit. Before he can answer, Angle decides that he doesn't know jack and they are "useless"... then storms away. Cole asks "You think we should tell him that Benoit left the building?" Tazz said, "Nah, let him keep looking", then called Angle a "jackass".
-THREE points come to mind:
-Uno: Tazz is getting PUDGY!!! Must be from depression for never getting serious ring time anymore.
-2wo: The old Tazz would NEVER be caught hanging with Cole
-C: TAZZ SAVED THE WHOLE BIT WHEN HE BARKED "JACKASS"!! TAZZ IS GOD!!!
-Edge and Christian come out. You think you know him? No you DON'T! (which would have been funnier if I didn't have the same line in last week's column, which was a year and a half old FLASHBACK!!!!!!!!)
-The Hardyz come out. Matt is the European champion and is defending the title one on one against Edge. When did Matt win the Euro belt? Man, if I'm to be a news guy, I had better keep abreast of these developments.
-They get going.... Matt hurtles Edge into a corner.... He chops Edge. No reaction. he chops Edge again and screams, "WHOOO".... he chops a third time and the clued in fans scream, "WHOOO". This sequence is wrong on SO many levels!
-Edge was sent into another corner. Matt went to chop him.... the fans shouted "WHOO".... Matt held back and faked them out. He laughed at the crowd and screamed "IN YOUR FACE, LOSERS!!!"
-Matt ate a boot. He recovered and went for the Superplex. Edge crotched him.
-Edge hoisted up Matt Atomic Drop-Style. Matt screamed, "WHOA!!". The fans shouted "WHOOO!" Matt groaned, "oh, you NINNIES!!!!"
-Matt went for a top rope Moonsault. He missed. Edge went for a pin.... no soup.
-Edge hit a flying cross body block. Matt awkwardly reversed it. Momentum left the room.
-Matt rammed Edge's head into the buckle several times.... I miss the old days when the guy would stop doing it but the victim would keep banging his head against the turnbuckles....
-Edge speared Matt.... he got the pin.... no he didn't. Christian was punched by Jeff and sent into the ring.... awkwardly.... and rolled into the Ref.... awkwardly..... the pin was broken up.... awkwardly. Momentum never came back.
-E argued with C. Matt shoved him into him then hit him with the Downward Temple of Doom. He won the match. (I KNOW you were tempted to send an e-mail to correct me.... you SHOULD be embarrassed for even thinking about it)
-Matt keeps the Euro strap. If logic holds fast, Matt should be HEADLINING THE BRITISH PPV!!!! Alas.... Logic and Pro Wrestling mix about as well as Patterson at a Playboy Photo shoot. (There! YOU GET ONE AND THAT'S ALL YOU GET!!!)
-Vince is scheduled to make a State of the WWF address. Prepare for a deep examination of the inside of your eyelids.
-commercials
-We see how Chris Jericho gave the Duchess of Queensbury a little AMERI.... oh, right, canadian justice
-Coachman paid a visit to Commissioner William Regal, asking why he wanted to see him. Regal sniffed, "Why would I want to SEE you.... Black man!" (RACIST LIMEY PRICK!!!!)
-Regal told Coachman to "step 'n' fetch" over to Jericho and tell him that he gets to fight Rhyno for the Hardcore title. Yes he DID!!! SOMEONE CALL JIM BROWN!!!!!
-Trish Stratus popped in (well, maybe not HER.... but there WAS "popping" involved among the teenage audience, I'll wager! Tom Actuary.... I'm looking at YOUUUUU
-See, this is why there can NEVER be a "Mop-Up" book..... waaaay too filled with obscure references that precious few even CARE to recognize.
-Well, that and if you've read any 10 Mop-Ups in your life.... you've read them all
-well.... that and I'd be sued like a mutha for stealing so many ideas from Stern, Letterman, Maxim, Talk Soup, Richard Simmons, Jimmy Carter, H.P. Lovecraft, Jewel, Haywood Jablomie.
-well.... that and I never did get the hang of proper grammar and syntax.
-take a Goddam year to fix all the typos too.
-no way I'd get away with bashing Shannon, Scaia, Scherer, Ryder, Artiega, NoSucks, Patterson, Bischoff, Vince's wig, Stuff's boobs, Chyna's pee pee, Manc(h)o(mo)w, and that loser, ungrateful DICKHEAD who pretends to be a cat even in private e-mails and calls everyone "dude" all the time, giving me enough nightmares that I couldn't even go see Dude, Where's My Car without having flashbacks. I'd have to pull all that out. THEN what would I have left? About 6 pages worth of useable material
-thanks to someone who prefers NOT to be dragged into this for unknowingly giving me that "Where's My Car"? line
-Anywhoo. Regal tells Trish that she gets Chyna tonight for the title. Trish makes an innuendo about Regal being an expert on "little things".... as always, Regal's reaction was priceless.... it's almost hard to believe that WCW could NOT get this guy over.... almost.
-all three Dudleys come out.
-all three X-Factors come out.... Uncle Cracker's theme is played, and yes, it's CATCHY!
-Two of these six cats are fighting.... we'll see which ones in just a mi...
-X-Pac and Spike. Say Hello to Job Out City.
-I would give a blow by blow description of lightening fast ACTION, but haven't I written ENOUGH for one week?
-'Pac nearly took Spike's head clean off with his spin kick.
-'Pac tossed the squirt around (and that don't happen MUCH), then went for the nonchalant pin. Spike reversed it! X-Pac kicked out.
-Spike took some momentum and dropped himself feet first on X-Pac's belly from the top rope. There is no way that did NOT hurt.
-Albert climbed to the ring apron, but basically did nothing. Buh Buh pulled him down and started swinging. Spike went for the Dudley Drop. X-Pac backflipped out and hit his X-Whatever. Pinfall. The only reason for having Albert climbed up there was to remind the dumb ass crowd who can't remember anything longer than five minutes ago (CURSE YOU MTV!!) just who was the Heel team. His distraction contributed NOTHING!!!! It was as pointless as Scott Hall at an AA meeting
-Buh Buh frowned at the happy X-Factor.... "WE'LL GET YOU BACK FOR HURTING LI'L SPIKE!!!! WE'LL MAKE YOU PAYYYYYY!!!" (get used to that refrain, kids)
-meanwhile, a Limo pulled up. Heyman said that he thought he knew who it was.
-The Chauffeur stepped out. Heyman, "YES, I KNEW IT!! IT WAS THE CHAUFFEUR!!" (I liked it.... eat me)
-At this time, I'd like to make a correction to a previous joke. Please, on your scorecards, move up four marks and change "Scott Hall" to "Robert Downey Jr.". Thank you.
-At this time, I'd like to make another correction to a previous joke. Please, on your scorecards, move up one mark and change "joke" to "amazingly lame attempt at something not even in the vicinity of a joke". Thank you.
-Please note that any and all inadvertent uses of the word "joke" as it pertains to the supposed text should be automatically changed to the aforementioned alternative-and clearly more proper- terminology/definition. Thank You. Scaia blows.
-Anywhoo, Stephanie McMahon stepped out of the Limo alone.... she runs into Michael Cole. For the blind audience, Cole loudly asked "What happened to your FACE???" Steph shot back, "GENETICS!!!" (bwahahahahaaaa.... that one was for me and me alone)
-No, she had a puffy, black and blue blotch on her cheek.... if you must be gross, you can imagine some sort of obscene line about oral sex. I refuse to partake in such gutter dwelling.
-Steph said that big Kane gave her a wicked boot. So he's got some payback coming. Then she asked if Test was around. Cole said yes. She said that Test is due a lesson too, because he stuck his shnozz into family business too. She stalked off.
-commercials
-Earlier today, Kane was getting his arm wrapped. Even the spawn of HELL ITSELF is subject to injury. Just ask Chris Reeves.
-oh shut up.... like he reads this.
-Backstage, Kurt Angle barges into an E & C conference, still looking for Benoit. Neither E nor C knew, nor seemed to care about where he was. Angle accused them of Canadian bias. Edge REALLY got offended! (HA!!! BOOYA!!! GOD BLESS AMERI-F**KING-CA ONCE YOU GO USA, YOU NEVER WANNA GO AWAY!!!!!!!)
-Elsewhere.... The Acolytes are busy getting Crash Holly drunk and scamming him out of all his money.
-Ross and Heyman talk up Shane McMahon's TOTALLY UNBELIEVEABLE BUMP taken against the Big Show. Obviously, I need not explain that I'm not being sarcastic at all here.
-You know, really.... Owen's fall taught NOBODY ANYTHING!!!!!!
-They didn't really SHOW the thing.... not while there are REPLAYS to sucker the hold-outs into buying.
-Steph confronted Test. She barked at him that because he inserted himself into family business, her father has ordered him to fight HHH tonight. She reminded him that he is NOT "family". Test laughingly said "Thank God" and commented on what he'd get to wake up to each morning. Steph was all like "You wish".... Test was all like "Yeah right." Test said he'd "better get ready" and started unbuttoning. Steph used every ounce of will not to gaze at his chest. I have SEVERAL points here.... many of them fall under the "joke" clarification that I disclosed a few marks ago.... so get those pens ready.
-1: Cheers to Steph for using her hands to sell her acting in this crucial scene. When she pointed at Test, then pointed at herself, you can feel a palpable commitment to really transcending the line reading. She LOST herself in the role.
-2: Cheers to Steph for adjusting her cadence high enough and snottily enough, but not too much, when she said, "My Dad!" Spoiled Rich Bitch is a "character" she has adapted to WELL!!!
-3: Jeers to Steph for getting SO lost in the role that she forget to sell the damn cheek injury.
-4: Jeers to Steph for clearly being so in lust with Test that she created a very real sexual tension. If they aren't doing each other.... I'll eat my own poop. The girl was damn near drooling.
-5: Jeers to Steph for leaving her wonderbra at home.... again.
-GET TEST TO WCW!!!!! NOW!!!! IT'S TIME TO SKY PUSH HIM!!!!
-Jericho is on his way.
-commercials
-Crash is losing more coin and getting more drunk. He brings up Jerry Lynn's name. Hardcore Holly shows up and gets pissed at the Acolytes for serving his clearly over-21 Cousin beer. Bradshaw gets a cupful in his face. Oh yeah, it's on.
-It's so nice that Ron Simmons, who's been a round for a LOOOONG time, still has a nice, healthy, damn-sure respectable, solid spot on the mid-card.
-William Regal comes out to observe the next match. Heyman welcomed him and shook hands and showed respect. He said that Ross had a bit of a crush on the Duchess. Regal said that this is natural.... seeing how she's a lovely female.
-Ross, "She looks like a truck driver!"
-Regal stared, semi-horrified
-Ross, "Duchess my FOOT!"
-Regal's face dropped
-THE MAN DELIVERED PITCH PERFECTLY WITHOUT UTTERING A WORD!!!!! THE MAN IS A GENIUS!!!! ANNOINT REGAL EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE AND ANNOINT HIM NOW!!!!!!!!!!
-Rhyno came out.
-Y2J's theme. Y2J's entrance. Ross and Regal bicker over the royal screwing Jericho got at the PPV.
-Rhyno attacked Jericho quickly. Ross officially thanked Regal for the action he took against Stone Cold after Stone Cold beat the living feces out of Jim (and that's a LOT of sheeit) in front of his family. Regal accepted it and said that is was nice to be bloody appreciated for once.
-Rhyno reaches under the ring and pulls out a variety of tools. He grabs a large Stop sign and climbs to the ring. Jericho rope-bouncied-dropkicked the sign right into his face (it's been a LONG F-ING NIGHT THAT IS FAST BECOMING A LONG F-ING DAY WHICH IS FAST BECOMING A LONG F-ING NIGHT AGAIN!!!! F-YOU!!!)
-Regal, "see, you can't trust this Jericho!"
-Jericho produced a chair and decided to use it on Regal. Rhyno speared him from the side. What idiot would turn his back on this monster?
-Regal, "You know, I like this! It's good to see this young man get... besmirched!"
-Why the Holy Frig are there three guys (2 white, one black) with fake afros and no shirts on in the front row? I will take a stab in the dark and say.... whacky antics from a Milwaukee morning radio show? More than likely a "Zoo"??
-Jericho whips Rhyno with a weight belt. Just when you thought it was uncool to steal a Hogan move.
-Ross on the Duchess, "Her breath reeked of alcohol!"
-Regal, "Alcohol?? How dare you, young man!"
-Heyman, "Yeah, how dare.... young MAN???"
-Jericho gave Rhyno a top-rope hurracrana onto a pile of chairs. Ouch.
-I spot a sign that reads, "RAJAHWWF.COM" WHAT IS THIS SITE AND WHY IS IT GETTING SIGNS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY??? I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS STUNNED SINCE THOSE DAMN SUSHI X SIGNS WERE SWEEPING THE NATION!!!!
-which.... I reckon, is the same damn reaction everyone else had when all those "Hyatte" signs were raging all over the place.
-Edge and Christian ran out and sprayed Jericho with a fire extinguisher. Rhyno gored him. Rhyno won. There is no way in heck Rhyno is NOT on the fast track to main playerdom
-Regal ran in, but Jericho was able to nail him with a garbage can a fe... several times. WWF Refs ran out. He fought them.
-Austin and HHH were in the building and heading our way. Vince was behind them in full "swagger" mode. It's a silly, silly swagger.
-commercials
-Mr. McMahon came out with a preening Stephanie. I'm sure her acting coach is watching this at home screaming, "MAKEUP CAN'T DO ALL THE WORK! SELL THE BRUISED CHEEK YOU SILLY LITTLE FOP!!!"
-Elsewhere, because he is so deeply in love with the method, James Lipton's "Ham Radar" went up and while he slept, he muttered in his sleep, "*snoresellthecheeksillylilfop*" (whew, this is a classic example of a REACH)
-The McMahon duo entered the ring. Vince had the mic and right away said he was proud of Austin and HHH for being different from all of the fans.
-See, A&3H are not satisfied with squalor.... they are not afraid of complacency. They are willing to reach out for the brass ring and seize the moment. This (bloody well DESERVED) run down of the Milwaukee crowd continued for a while.
-Steph.... hands cupped, elevated between her chest. Again, Cheers.
-Steph beaming brightly. Again, Jeers.
-Vince admitted that Shane pulled off a mini-miracle last night, but not without Test's help. So test gets to deal with HHH tonight (and HHH has done just about as much jobbin' as he's GONNA do, dammit!!!)
-Vince said that HHH was "his only REAL son"....
-Vince also had a problem with Kane booting Stephanie... which we got to see.
-Steph was upset.... and also upset at the crowd for popping for it. Good sell.... BRAVA!!!!!
-Then Vince.... and this KILLED ME.... he RAN AROUND THE RING.... FULL SNEER.... FULL BARK.... FINGER JUTTING OUT ACCUSINGLY.... "HOW DARE YOU APPLAUDE THAT!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!"
-Vince, "I CURSE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU FOR THAT!!!!" (Elsewhere, Steph's Acting Coach bellowed, "SO THAT'S WHERE SHE GETS IT!!! SILLY LITTLE FO..." *ka-boom*.... his head exploded
-Vince, "I am not a vindictive man!" Ross loudly snorted.
-Vince was about to announce that we will see Stone Cold in the ring tonight agi..."SHUT UP!!!" (suddenly.... Jimmy Lipton woke up out of bed with a startle.... and ra.... nay.... SPRINTED towards his liquor cabinet. He knows not why.... he just knows that a spot of Brandy (or 5) will settle whatever bit of overacting JOLTED him out of bed.
-Oh come now.... have you WATCHED that show? He's a classic stage actor drunk.
-Finishing.... Vince said that Stone Cold will fight Kane tonight.... and then handed the mic to Stephanie.
-enough with this.... Steph went full wail and introed Austin and HHH.
-Out they came
-They said NOTHING.... because they were cut off by....
-That HORRIBLEHORRIBLEHORRIBLE (it ain't good, folks) old time Jimmy Hart created so you know it sucks Wrestlemania music. Linda came out.... in the WWF New York.
-Linda cut a promo that said that the Divorce proceedings are going along just fine, BUT she may be willing to put a temporary stop to them so long as Vince replaces the injured Kane with the old but quite healthy Undertaker in the main event tonight against Austin. Then she said she's going to split because she has a "lot of fun to have here at WWF New York!!" (and shame on you if you think her idea of "fun" is anything but diving into an awaiting limo and getting the Hell out of that tourist trap)
-Vince did one of those obnoxious "gulps".... Lipton suddenly took 3 more "spots" of Brandy.
-Austin argued with Vince over this new development. We were hauled off to some....
-commercials
-Backstage, Austin VEHEMENTLY opposed his title match against the UT. McMahon promised to think of something.
-The Hollys fought the Acolytes. No one with blonde hair had his hand raised. Two men with blonde hair ended up bickering and fighting. I have officially shot my wad, ran out of 5 winds, ran out of fumes, and pooped out. I have barely enough to make something out of Chyna and Lita's upcoming altercation.... but other than that, pretend that we are at the last half of the Nitro recap and I am in full breeze mode.
-Test was pumped up. Vince, HHH, and Steph plotted to make Test PAY AND PAY LIKE A.... A.... *sigh*.... see? The well be dry.
-commercials
-Lillian Garcia stuck a mic in the Undertaker's face and the Undertaker had a LOT to say. Allow me to fellate myself by pointing out that while everyone is NOW talking about how the Undertaker has rekindled his badness flame.... I have ALWAYS maintained that he had plenty of attitude left in his not-quite-so-tired body!
-He called himself, "Big Daddy Dead Man". I can think of TWO men who this might be a thinly veiled set-up for.... neither of whom have signed with any company yet.... one of whom seems ready to stay at home and collect his salary while the other seems ready to work and work hard for a few more years in the show.
-HHH and Test fought for just about 2 minutes before HHH slammed a chair into Test and got himself DQed. Not satisfied, HHH pounded on him some more, then Powerbombed him into the Announce table while standing on the steel steps. All signs point to a set-up to a PPV match between the two.... which would be GREAT FOR TEST (duh).... but, of course, The Internet will find some way to accuse HHH of greed and selfishness. (No one will be happy until HHH lays down for Spike Dudley and never gets revenge)
-THE MAN LAID DOWN FOR THE UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA CLEANLY!!!!! DOESN'T THAT SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HIS WILLINGNESS TO DO THE RIGHT THING????
-Kane ran out and punched HHH out of the arena proper.
-Test was motionless. Ross demanded Medical Assistance. And he meant "NOW!!!" (trust me, when Jimbo yells orders, people JUMP!
-commercials
-HHH yells at Vince and promises that after tonight this nonsense with the Dead Brothers comes to and END!
-Heyman looks about as comfortable without a table between him and the camera as Tony Schiavone did during those couple of Nitros where Bischoff tried to "grunge him up" with rather greasy hair, leather coats, and black clothes to hide his bloated body. I think it was around this time when I offered a Bounty of a personal blowjob and $50 to whoever knocked out his daughter's teeth. It's a wonder I lasted that long at Scoops.
-man.... what happened to me? I used to be so COOL back then.
-Ross says that the Rock will be on the Leno show. Hey, knock out Jay Leno's teeth and I'll send you.... my Lords of the Ring tape AND my Starrcade '87: The Night of the Skywalkers. Plus, I'll drug a six year old girl, shove her in a box, and send her to you where you can have some pedoFUN!
-again, I ask....man.... what happened to me? I used to be so COOL back then.
-Footage from the premiere of the Rock's movie debut. One guy said that there was NEVER ANY OTHER choice for the role!!! It was ALWAYS Booker.... err, the Rock! (translation: Denziel, Wesley, and Cedric The Entertainer passed)
-Trish was getting ready.
-commercials
-Trish came out.
-Chyna came out.... looking TOTALLY bored.
-It didn't last long.
-Chyna grabbed a mic. She said that even though she respected all the women in the WWF , she had NO competition. So, for some convoluted reasoning, she decided to stop PINNING them, and start SPANKING them.
-Lita came out. Cute as a button with a healthy dose of sleaze thrown in.
-Lita said that Chyna was a "total" inspiration for her and she had "totally" paved the way for women in the WWF and it would be "totally" rad if Chyna would give her a "totally" tubular title shot.
-Chyna laughed and said, "okay, you bad girl.... come get your spanking!"
-Lita's music started. Lita isn't used to involved promos as it is.... Lita was thoroughly thrown. The music stopped, she told the music to stop and said, "No, Chyna.... Like, she is "totally" serious. She "totally" wants a title shot.
-Chyna said to bring it, but don't be surprised if her tushy was sore the next day. Chyna laughed.... UNCOMFORTABLY
-It ended.... gratefully.
-It seems clear to me. Chyna hated this angle.... Lita hated it too. Chyna has enough "stroke" to be secure enough to go through it and goof on it at the same time, Lita tried to be more professional.... both girls seemed to have partaken in a little ganja before the show.... and I think EVERYONE will agree that having Chyna spank women is NOT the smartest move we've seen this Century.
-One match.... maybe one spanking.... then Chyna goes off to make Wonder Woman and we can forget this.... and expect rumors to circulate about Chyna getting some heat for not being a team player
-20 to 1 odds say Patterson dreamt this up.
-The UT was ready.
-commercials
-The UT roared out on his bike.
-Austin's music played.
-repeat above mark
-again
-again
-and again
-BIG sign in the background that read "CLR" For second there, I thought it said "CRZ".... I was prepared to throw a tantrum.
-Titan Tron shows that Austin was busy helping HHH attack and stomp Kane.
-UT took off and found the brawl. He went right for Austin after knocking out HHH (because it would have been silly if he went right for the Janitor cleaning out the men's room.)
-UT and Austin brawled out from the back and down the ramp. It entered the ring. The bell rang. The match was ON.
-UT was nowhere NEAR a definite pinfall, but time groweth short so....
-HHH ran out with a sledgehammer. UT knocked him down. Austin wormed in for a low blow.
-Sledgehammer right to the UT's SKULL.
-Kane limped out. BIG SIGN that read "AUSTIN IS DA MAN" which ALMOST qualifies as a version of my suggested sign, "I'M STILL POPPING FOR AUSTIN, F-YOU"
-Kane struggled to the ring.... GREAT camera work saw Austin fly out of nowhere and bean him hard on the noggin' with a chair.
-Austin & HHH worked HARD on Kane's arm. Chairing it while on the steps.... stomping on it while it was jammed in the chair.
-UT climbed out of the ring and pulled an old Dusty Rhodes trick out of his hat (if he wore a hat, that is).... no, no "Funky-Like-A-Monkey" Elbows (which DID rule, by the way).... he covered Kane protectively and absorbed the beating himself.
-The show ended by Ross screaming, "CAN ANYONE STOP HHH AND STONE COLD???? CAN ANYONE SAVE THE DAY????"
-You know.... somehow... I just can't see Flair being the hero here.
Whooph.... the show had good points and bad points. If I used my Thumb, I would turn it down. I don't use my thumb, however.... I do not consider myself an Internet "King"!
oh... wait.... I do. I am.
I do NOT, however, consider myself influential enough to think a Thumb would decide the opinions of my loyal subject. I'm sure many of you know what nitwit does that.
Closer time
So, everyone wants to look cool.... but really, everyone wants to FEEL cool too. It's an attitude. Every girl I talk to over the phone falls in love with me because I am cool... (the problem is when they actually meet me and my insecurities kick in and I suddenly have no idea what to do with my hands). If you FEEL cool, you LOOK cool. It's like big studs. When they KNOW that they are good in bed, then they send out a vibe that attracts the cooze like flies to poop. So, I thought I'd cobble together a few small things you can do to make you FEEL cool.
WAYS TO FEEL COOL!!
-Wander your neighborhood at night wearing all black. If a cop drives by you, he should swing his car around to get a better look at you, to make sure you're not up to no good. When he passes by the first time, run like hell into several yards and dive behind something far enough so the cop can't spot you even with a searchlight. 9 out of ten times, he'll just drive off, because he's too lazy to get out of his car and look for you and you technically didn't do anything. Boom, you just outran the law like a felon!
-Oh, and if he catches you, calmly state that you like to get some exercise before going to bed and had to stop to take a piss in some bushes. Again, the only thing he can do, really, is send you home.
-Get a tattoo, try to get one in every state you visit. Your body has room for 50 small ones without you looking like Tommy Lee. Don't get any in the obvious places, like the shoulder. Try the unique spots.... like the legs and one George Clooney had in From Dusk 'Til Dawn, that way cool fire ink that ran up the arm and just poked out from under his neck collar. Girls can get a Jenna Jameson style tattoo across the nape of the neck, which only can be seen when your hair is pulled back. Just be careful. Because Jobs interviews get a whole lot tough when you have some ink poking out from under your shirt. Judges don't like it much either.
-Pick a weekly magazine, nothing too thick or large like Maxim or Rolling Stone. Something like Entertainment Weekly,TV Guide, or Sports Illustrated. Something you always read. Now, make it a point to steal them every week. Just one, and pick different stores so they don't mark you. But steal the damn thing.
-let your Inspection sticker AND your registration tag expire for a couple of months before re-upping. Drive around totally illegally.
-Start a fight with me online, then totally back down like an abused bitch after I tear you a new one, then weakly blame you're "boss" for holding you back (which sort of shows just who the "pitcher" is and who the "catcher" is in THAT marriage, doesn't it?) as if you had anything else to use that I couldn't swat down with barely a wave, then use 411 constantly in your reports for no reason at all, all the while claiming over and over that you aren't really a Wrestling reporter even though all you do is talk about wrestling. Oh wait.... that's for my "How to be a Pussy Ass Homo" Closer.... sorry.
-dial up random phone numbers.... when you get an answering machine, announce that your name is Bill from your town's nearest Pest Control center. Tell the machine that you'll be down around 6 a.m. the next morning to "start digging". Advise them to keep all pets and children away from the house for at least 18 hours.
-You know the prettiest girl in your class or workplace? The one all the guys are trying to score with? Ignore her. Talk to her like you would talk to a stranger. Pretend that she is only a microbe in your Universe.
-If you chew tobacco, squirt a little whiskey, bourbon, or vodka in there. Copenhagen has a new "Bourbon flavored" dip which KICKS ASS.... but there still ain't nothing better than the real thing.
-Read a variety of books.... all kinds.
-Don't throw your Pizza boxes away.... burn them, in the dead of night, in your back yard. The grass is soaking wet with dew, so there's no chance of it going out of control. Do it naked.... get barbaric.
-Call every Classic Rock station in your area and scream "LED ZEP SUCKS" when someone answers.
-Call every talk radio station in your area and scream, "PLAY SOME ZEP!!" when someone answers, or when you get on-air.
-Learn to love QUEEN. Crank it in your car stereo.
-Get stoned with a some friends and have a Ben & Jerry's eating contest. (I got really, really sick off that once)
-Get really really drunk, get naked, and lie down in the middle of a semi-busy road in the middle of the night. If a car comes, get up, run behind a small tree, and hold up your arms and pretend that they are branches. If the car's a cop..... f-all that and REALLY haul ass, 'cause he ain't gonna send you home on THAT one, spanky.
-wake up at the crack of dawn.... and accomplish at least 7 things fully before the day is over.
-Try to bang her all night without climaxing once.
-Buy a kid some beer
-Take your Mom out to dinner for no good reason. Trust me on this one, should she die of a Brain tumor and your stuck with a loser father.... you'll be glad that you did that one act.
-Write to any five Internet Writers.... ask them a serious question about wrestling that calls upon their "expert, respected opinion". If they answer you back, forward the e-mail to me for a future Mop-Up.... and we will all goof on them.
-In front of witnesses, loudly announce that you will sell your soul to Satan if he will make one of your parent's die so you can collect your inheritance. Just to be safe, run into a bathroom and say "just kidding, God Rules, Satan sucks!" TRUST ME on this one, because if one of your parents SHOULD die within a few months afterwards, you'll be FREAKING out. Whether you believe or NOT.... do NOT do this without hedging your bets.
-Support Bush and produce intelligent reasons why he isn't THAT bad.
-Jesus Christ.... watch an episode of Raw, ENJOY the episode, and DO NOT let bitter Internet writers who would find negativity in a F-ing Rainbow convince you that the show sucked.
-call in sick at work just for the hell of it.
-Get a Room at a Vegas casino and pick up a hooker right out of the phone book.
-Hit a few Tijuana strip joints.... you WILL get laid.... cheaply.
-Fake an injury just so your Girlfriend can nursemaid you. Doesn't work if you're married.
-Gently dab your unwiped ass with your rent check before sending it out. Your landlord will think it's a chocolate stain.
-Call 911 at a public payphone and scream, "HE'S GOT A BAT!!!!! OH GOD!! Then clank the phone sharply and take off. DO NOT HANG UP!!! LEAVE THE THING DANGLING!! Make it a game with friends to see who can get the most cop cars to come flying in.
-Get really, really stoned, then watch Natural Born Killers. I SWEAR, Oliver Stone designed the movie primarily to be watched while wasted.
-Make it a life's goal to have sex with four different women in one week, or try to get oral from 6 different women in one week ('cause suddenly, oral sex is fashionable among the chicks. Silly girls.... they have NO idea where we put these things.)
-Get in the middle of a huge barroom brawl.
-Take advantage of the barroom brawl to steal bottles of Jack from the bar of the distracted Bartender.
-Finger her while seated at her family's table during dinner. Bonus points if you do so while talking to her father.
-If she returns the favor.... ignore it with everything you've got. (oh by the way, if she DOES do that while seated at the family dinner table while you are talking to her father.... you OWN her ass.... she is HOPELESSLY in love with you)
-Put a large loaf of human poop in your friend's cat's litterbox, watch him RUSH the cat to the vet.
-If you check into a Hotel, complain that no matter how many times you tried, you can't get a PPV movie to click on. Odds are, they'll just give you everything available for free.
-Always bring up that Letterman rules over Leno.... if someone disagrees, argue with him/her until he/she gives in.
-Do that old trick with lighting a paper bag filled with poop on fire, placing it on someone's porch, and ringing the doorbell.
-Walk around your hood at night with a cable remote control. Find a house with the TV facing a window. Click away on the baffled owner's tube.
-Run out on the bill.... chew and screw... just once.
-Run out on the girl you just picked up.... chew and screw.... as many times as the dumb broad will let you.
-Tell an Italian that Sinatra sucked.
-Tell an Italian that DeNiro sucks
-Tell an Italian that their Mother sucks.
-Remind an Italian that Sicilians were spawned by N***az
-Run
-Call the Stern show and tell Howard, "Imus Rules".... hang up.
-Master the art of making Omelets
-Jesus, learn when to quit.
Good advice. I'm quitting. I don't know, they just kept coming to me.
Do at least 5 of these things in the space of a week, and you, my friend, will feel COOL.... and then you will ACT cool.... thus you will BE cool.
Next week.... Mop-Ups, and AAT dealing with the Internet which I KNOW you will like.... and I get all newsy until Ashish comes back.... if he does. Or until Widro throws me off.... or if readership takes a nosedive.
At this time, I hear a pack of Coyotes howling in the backwoods. It's quite a creepy sound.
Vaya condiose
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